Life is like a movie

After 9 mths, im back in sg again, had 4 days tour in tokyo, the fast pace of ppl there really amaze me, the tempo is high there, not a good place to stay for sure, i still like my az, the carefree life i had there.

I will not forget how me and my friends were stopped by Japan police at shinjuku train station, seem like a embush from somewhere, hahaha, but it really a funny incident.

Had been in sg for 2 days, i think im gonna get fat!, i eat two dish every meal!!! laksa,chicken rice, mee poh, all my fav!!! im really not use to the life here anymore, i miss az, i miss my dg2,my carefree life there.Like any sat or sun, i can alone drive out to somewhere and relaxe myself or i could meet my mah ai for some movies or shopping.Yeah, i miss her so much now, im going to give a surprises when im back in az.

Had problems converting my az licence to sg one, i forget my ito, i left it back in az, but hope next week, when i go to bbdc, i can convert at there.Remember the wish that i made at sensoji temple in japan, i was praying for me and mah ai future, i got a lucky wish, from that paper, it states that happy and lucky things will come.IT REALLY HAPPENED!!! i make a small fortune on wed, finally i could get my things i wana get and gave my parents part of my winning, the 7 inch latest ASUS LAPTOP,it is really small and cute….i always work hard for the things i wana get….even when in betting, when i win, i buy my fav things.

but sg things are really very exp now! i just feel that there is changes here.I wana get things settle here,my plannings and my future plannings.I just feel that im getting old, my cousins all around me is growing up….i feel that i also start to have my own family soon,hahahaha, i will work hard for that, i will not give up the things and person i want.

After so long, i finally have a ktv session, thanks sandra for giving face, accompany me to kbox, where we sing from 7pm to 12am, haha 5 hrs of madness singing, so long never sing, miss the days where me,junwei,fq and lingshan ktv sessions in the past.

Went out with my parents this few days, lunch and breakfast,i miss my friends, they are busy working, so this few days, i had been alone shopping most of my time.I saw someone which i think is pretty and cute, her name is eugenia lin from heartland mall posb bank, i was in the queue waiting to withdraw $ from my bank, i was hopping to get into her queue, hahaha, fate! i really got into her queue, i just feel shy when i talk to her, hahaha,dunno why, but i saw her giggle at me, lolx…we really talk very long when she serve me, about 20 mins!! i was asking her lots of questions,cause i wana waste time, hahaha…i really think she is cute….but i just dun want to try to get to know her….cause i knew my heart has mah ai.

The rest of the days, im going to meet my friends here, and i really hope i could go back to az soon, im counting down to go back.Cause im really missing someone there, she knows who she is, and she said she would wait for me to come back.

<strong>Acceptance and given lover</strong>

Had been reading this cute girl blog for sometimes since may,felicia, really the love she had with her malay bf, so sweet and cute….haha….her love story with the malay bf is romantic…really envy…how i wish i could be like her and her malay bf….falling in love so sweet so nice.

Love is sometimes simple yet complicated sometimes, i remembered in may, while we were on the way back from washington to newyork in our pt cruiser car to our hotel, lena,me and guo an,oh i forget yee hoe the driver too……we started a conversation….lovers, there are two kind…one kind is acceptance lover and the other is given lover.

acceptance and given lover? which kind are you? I admit myself is the given one, the one who will always by the person i love,but this type of lover always suffer the most, in terms of emotional or what….acceptance lover is rather easy….u dun have to brother much.

For me, i wun anyhow accept love, cause i scare i might hurt others,im not a player neither a flinger… i choose to be the one in given….provide her the needs when she need me….but sister lena also tell me that acceptance lover is more likely can choose, but the given one will stick to one, when u log on to the one….guoan told me, lets be acceptance lover lah!!! i did tried, but i can/t, i failed….i just wana be the given one….but a very most important thing in love is….the love you gave out, you may not recieve the other part of love back…must be prepare for that.

Sometimes ppl say, you love the person, you might not be with the person….this is what grace shimei told me 2 years ago at woodland starbucks….i knew….being a given lover is very hard and tiring….maybe my life is cheap….i like to see myself suffer in love so i can write beautiful love story…lolx.

But love in one sided is also hard….can the other party feel it? maybe or maybe not….As for me now, i will still be the one as given lover, cause i like to see ppl happy, if someone can be happily in love with another….even is the person i like or i love…she going to be someone lover…and the person can be someone she trusted and take care of her in life…why not? but why not me in the first place? i dunno maybe it is fated.

I remember i told someone i dun like to share things,not that im selfish….i rather give u the things than share…if i wana own the thing…i want it to be mine only…and for love is the same….there is no such things as share love…share lover? how many person can you miss one time as in love? and how many ppl u can love at 1 time? Im naive…last time i used to tell myself…i want my 1st love to be my future wife, i failed….

I  fear love sometimes, i scare the given me will be hurt once again…..winnie once told me, i have a girl’s heart…..machiam always be there for the bf, care this and that.

But the me now, have no chance to say love, how to say love to a person? when u are so far away and apart?? and ppl have so much chasers queue-ing….where is my line? am i in the queue too? I cannot ask much….and dun have anything to shower u with…i only have 1 thing…my true heart….the love i wana give cannot be touch or feel, cause it is too far.

I knew my chances is limit….compare to him or other better matches….im just like watford…under the table…compare to the stars in chelsea,man u,liverpool and arsenal….i can/t ask much….and i have no status to ask this and that from you, or any other chasing you….im just like a shadow angel…will always be there for you..when you need me….or at that moment, im just that sub piece of jigsaw puzzle that you had been missing,i should not have appear in your movie…but i did.

Sometimes indeed feel alone, but i know there are friends here…..love?  u are a word that always makes me feel hurt…when is the time you going to make me happy?

Just when i flip throught…dejavu

It had been times since i last blogged, i took a 2 week leave for a rest from work, a rest to see the semi finals and final of world cup? haha perphaps haha…talking my recent betting in soccers, it had been a great down fall for me, lost 2.6k in 2 days, and i again lost another 1.7k within 3 days, im lucky…..really lucky that at the 4th day i fight back my losing from a negative -1.7k to a + positive 1.815 k. …well…im happy.

just when i was packing and tidying up my stuffs in my drawers, i threw out all documents, all letter that i kept with me….at the most right side of the drawer, just when i lift up that blue file…..i saw that small transparent plastic….it was some passport size photos….that familiar yet "long time no see" face appear before me, it was jinyen(1st ex gf)…..her passport size photo….it suddenly bring back some memories of me and her.

I remember these photos, i was the one who accompany her to hougang mall and took it for her admission to NYP studies…..so fast, just a flick of yesterday, 3 years had gone….the smile in that pic makes me suddenly miss her…not love but just a miss….it lead me open that green envelop that she gave me 3 years ago after the break up….the letter of thanks and end of our story…..i still keep that letter, still so neat and tidy….i read again those words she had once wrote…it reflects the now me, just a smile on my own face, i told myself i had grown up.

It was her that make me realise what is love, and she is also the first person that breaks my heart, she created ths history in me, in my love life….till now 3 years had gone, i never really love anyone before other than her…..and what i had is another gf after her, that was amy, that firlt bitch who cheated me, darren and kevin…it had a year…..my hate for her is forever there…that pretty face with a evil intention selfish heart….she came close but never beat the love that jinyen had shown to me 3 years ago.

My heart had not really open for anyone for the past 3 years, i thought amy would open it, but she close it without even open it, with a big "slam" at the door of my heart…..i was shattered and lost when i knew i was actually the 4th party in that rather "weird" relationship…..but now, im totally fine.

It is going to be a year after amy, and i never date anyone after her…..maybe im scare…it just sudden appears in my mind, jinyen…because of the photo..althought we never contact anymore….in my heart…i really wish her the best….i guess she had graduate after this 3 years….may the guy with her really take care of her. After reading that letter, i realise myself had grown up…..im become more sensible….know how to control my emotion better….know really how to accept things,cause things dun always go to your path…

i had really learnt 2 great love lesson from jinyen and amy….althought that bitch had hurt me a year ago, she helps me to gain confident in myself in terms of emotion.

Passport size photo, 3 years later now…i myself also took 12 of them today….not for nyp….haha…but for my admission to kantang land visa….the dream had come true…the path is shining like a torch for me to lap….going to kantang is going to be a totally new experience for me…..i told myself…im going to get ready to go and learn what i can there….2 years of my youth is going to be gone again….another chapter in my cmstory.

<strong>my trace</strong>

joys of love pasted me by,
as dreams of you randomly occured,
never had i thought is you.

but never did i miss you,
if heart to heart would last,
me to you would blend like a shadow.

cherish moments keep in box,
where tears of hate over flow the pace,
embiance of lights guide me throught.

To a moment where my heart placed,
the picture of loneliness stays,
where colours add to taste.

let the sun shine,
the rays whip off the tears,
drys the river wave.

to trace the me,
the innermost me,
the outermost me,
the one and only me.

This poem by me, just stated the feeling in me now, title: the trace.

2 more weeks to tom yam land, im getting excited! it will be a brand new expereince for me…work hard , play hard is what i told Mr Yeo that day when im going to tom yam land.

<strong>still the one,tree</strong>

Soul in one, never part with body…still the one whose mind stay in clear….Clear in conscience never fail but pollution and erosion may get in….hate is inner, love is outer, roots in ground spread evenly, stem in one stand up strong, brunches with leave bear good fruits.

west breeze blow away the leaves, see eastern moon from full to half everyday for the past 1 month, left the southern sorrow in pain, bring back the northern wind will save the tree.

outer bark look youth, inner bark have mature view…peeling peeling throught season will nuture the tree.

clear the path of road, pull it up, will bring the soul to land of smile in 2006, a place that will bring back the smile of him

recently had been measuring the distance, with my fast pace foot steps along the neighbourhood, training up for the up coming trip to the land of smile, i knew im in, but i must clear the path of road…im working hard.

Never forget how the fake west breeze affect on the tree, once again left it without any leaves, but tree will be back again, bring back the northern wind, grow back the leaves again, see the radiant along the shade of it again (smile)

what jody told me, yesterday, guys are like wine, the older the finer… i agree….here by i need to thank a few persons,er jie jeanne,jody and xueli jie…these few persons had been watering the tree,since those old dried leaves falls from the tree.

hope 1 of my bee dome friend going to be fine after tomoro 1 dec, another 1 of them clear his own love problem, also another one who had been looking down other ppls after his incident and got into IMH, i hope he get back to his foot steps again.

As for viewers, just mind yourself…i had wrote diary since primary school, this is a way to motivate oneself, its part of my growing.

more story @  http://cmstory.blogspot.com/

i feel sian again today, i was alone sitting there,waiting for big bird to return to nest,i felt hurt and sad, i just think thinking what had happened weeks ago, that club momo incident, the cruel face that she treated me, that bitchy voice from her at the hospital where no one visit her,she make use of me, ask me call her to chat, cause she knows i still feel for her that time….

can recalled the first time see her, the way she talked everything is all so fake….fake until i cannot believe it….those things she told me, some are indeed true, and some are so fake that she could say from her mouth, one of the most unbelieveable thing is, she could bluff ppl that the 5 year bf is her cousin…and those MIA actions…alot of lies from her.

im really blinded, that time i still blame myself, what had i done wrong as i bf? to make her MIA? im very sad that time, i waited under her block for hours, got 1 time even wait for 12 hours, finally saw her at her work place, she told me she went to biao mei house and stay, which she bluffed… actually she went to the 5 years bf house to stay, and the me was under her block waiting waiting waiting.

she only did 1 thing to make me feel touch and like a bf is, she cooked that meal for me, that pie, although that pie is not very nice, i still ate the whole thing up, because is she cooked one….and she showed me all her photos in her house, her exs photos and stuffs…but i never knew behind the picture there is still some meaning in it….im quite a fool.

those pictures we took, so many of them….R they fake also? the last few smses she sent me, she told me she like me as a person,she admire me….she did not treat me as a spare tyre for her 5 year bf, she is happy being with me…but the love is not there for me and her….these smses hurts…..really….i had doubts about those sms…cause all the while, i had really put in my heart…if not i wun be a fool wait wait wait….

all the things happened, no one really knows how much im hurt, i may seem ok to my bee domes guys, but the tann face outside who really knows the crestfallen heart inside? who really know the hurt he had? it is not easy to say dun hurt means dun hurt, cause this naive boy had really fall for that evil girl…

The naive me, when knew that she ended in hospital, tried to find ways to get to know which hospital she stays,called my nurse friends….at last i visited her when she gave me the address….when i saw her, i was numb, i just dunno what to say, i dunno why she commited suicide, but i knew it sure not because of me and 2nd bf…in the end i found out, it cause of the 5 years bf.

all the while, me and 2nd bf had been the fool…we are just the so call part time bfs,i really never expected that….why must she accept me at the first place where she had already 2 bf? i fall into the trap? those weeks i really suffered alot…im happy when im with her, the places we went all these…..but when im not with her, and her MIA actions makes me doubts on her….my 6 senses really did not go wrong.

Im really sad what had actually happened between this sep and oct period, at first im a happy guy, i thought i had found love, after 2 years no gf, i thought she is going to the one, the one maybe i could settle down with? i thought heaven so good to me, gives me such a cute and pretty gf,but he (heaven) gave me a lesson learnt.

One of the most happy moments, is go to the ktv with her course mate at bugis area, that pub…we sing the song, xuan zhe, by sally yeh and her hubby ah lam, that day was the most happy day with her, i remember i brought her piggy, the soft toy…..we had mcdonald at the pub….that night although simple, but i feel happy….we also took alot of pictures together using her friend, irene hp and my hp…

Everything started so well, i like the feeling of sending her home after her work, go have dinner together and go sentosa all these stuff, but the 3rd week, the true colours revealled out, i first saw the cute face turn evils and cruel at club momo, i never expected that sudden change in her, actually i should have prepare myself, a gemini had 2 faces, all these i knew, as a horoscope expert, i knew her character, but i never expect to see such a cruel and evil look on her.

My ungentleman way of discovering her, really ended the story between me and her, i admitted im wrong that i peep at her hp while she was sleeping, i saw all those sms, and i knew the whole story that i had been cheated….we even had planned for a holiday to bangkok next year jan, everything had shattered, we had even went to holiday agency to find out the tour things, haizzz….no more….for my camp annivasary, for the wild wild wet trip…i even put down her name and pay for a ticket for her, the ticket had been paid….but the person is never going to be there on 3 dec….

i will never forget 21 sep, after that ktv session where she accepted me, under her block and 20 oct under her block after club momo, i saw two different faces of her, a totally different person, the true person had reveal out.

Everything ended just like that, finally i knew im the fool, this hurt wun so easily cure, it will take sometimes….all ppl think just play play? haizzz…i wun fall in love that easily, once fall hard to forget….i really wana fall in love truely, just like any other couple on the street, lovely  but why must this happen to me? y must she be so fake?

im force to be cruel, i confronted her at the hospital with  the 2nd bf, im angry i hate her bluff me and lie to me all these stuffs, all this while i felt she had been using me….i finally see the true colour, i knew i hurt her too with my words in the blog and also confronted her…..she say i insult her, fine! take it as a insult…but what i had said and type in my blog are all true indeed from my heart.

all these while, i did not act, im true….i love the childrens in her childcare center, i like to talk to them in the phone…cause i love kids….but i really shocked to know all these while, this is just a dream,a fake story, a short movie? i miss the time she called me sunshine, i missed the time when she called me at work and let me talk with those kids, all these are so fake…..i feel so dishearted, really hurt what had actually happened.

After this incident, i told myself, i hardly fall in love again, i dun wana have the hurt feeling anymore….i hate her, i hate myself for so easily fall in love, i just wana concentrate in my work now, pass my ippt, go for my detachment and go back learn my car, my thai lessons, go back to my life where i used to be, saturday sentosa, saturday night double0 with my guys…i wana pass my driving and hopefully get a car by what i plan 2007.

love is not my first piority now, i let fate decide everything, i wana keep my life busy with stuffs, my singing, i will wana join another singing competition next year…i wana have a healthy lifestyle, i wana keep having regular jogging, which i had been starting now.

For heaven, you had really let me learnt a lesson, cute and pretty girls are danger,you let me know another version what is call not true love.

For her,i wun contact her anymore, she had really make me a fool, she is really mentally sick,her thoughts are somehow very self centered… hope she find a good doctor to cure her….for what she had done…she is just a child, she dunno what is call love..karma will decide everything…

For me, i will start a new life, im still that me, C M YEO aka little black, xiaohei and jerson to others..this is a lesson learnt for me, for what i had did, i know im true to everything, im clear of my conscience….no matter what others say, i will still write my blog, cause its from my heart….writing a diary means no harm, it is just a way to express your innerself.

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Life

Life is a game, and you are the controller of your game, if make 1 mistake in the game and it will be game over. Sometimes I think life is just like acting.

You play this role that you are living when u come to this world, you are given a name, a character when you are born. As for the scripts, you write your own, these scripts is a very long one, which will describe your life, long one means the script that you are acting until you die.

In this role that you are playing, there are surely some sad, bad, happy, moody, sjb, gao siao moments, if don/t have all this, the role will be lousy and no meaning in life, you can/t just smile the whole of your life, it will be damn boring.

Some sad moments will make a person learn, to realize the mistakes that have done. You got to remember the camera on you is keeping rolling, there is never an NG for your life, there is never a second retake or chance.

My view of life

It is when i was 17, start thinking about what is life? To me life is a period of time living in a place, and the place is call earth. Every living things have a life, that includes human, animals and plants. Each kind of living things have its own life span, Where human beings can consider having the highest life span. A person can live up to 70 years old, which is also 25550 days, also 613200 hours.

Life can consider long or short, that is a matter of how you make use of it. Some people spend half of his life times, and still dun understand about himself and don’t know what kind of life he want.

Human changes as times goes by, each second the clock move indicate that a second ago was a history. It takes time to understand about yourself, Because there are many things that you haven discover about yourself, as times goes by, you will learn more and understand actually what you really want in life. Every seconds every moment is a treasure time.

Life is a movie? my extra view on life

reality is always cruel….got to accept it….because life is just like a movie…the camera keeps rolling non stop beside you,filiming u, you never know where the camera is, the director is fate and the actor/actress is u( ur life)….and the final product (film) is your life story.

each person has its own movie, there is really no ng, just a director and that is fate that following u…….u r the lead actor or actress in ur movie…..friends,parents are co-actors and actressers while strangers along ur life are those extras

ex bfs and ex gfs are just some co lead actors and actressers that act half way with u, because of contract problem or not happy with working together, and half way they just quit or u just quit in their movies also….

in this life movie, there are many characters around you, some only act a few episodes( few days, few weeks ), some act for very long, a few series ( months,years)….then how many episodes? different ppl have different life span, the long u live, the long the duration ur movie is….but if you choose to end ur film very fast and short (commit sucide) then at the first, u sure not have born in this world, not worth to die, if the moment u are born, the camera start rolling le, then continue to live on,move on….remember there is never a ng in life!!!

and if u ask me, in ur film, life story? u get any awards like best actor? best actressers or best movie, best sound track?

yes….

best actor/actresser - are those awards u get when u are the stage, u perform well in sch, in competition,in any where, in ur company,get promotion etc…. u get recognise by ppl.

,br> best movie - get, when u die, when ppl start to remember u, like famous ppl, zhang guo rong,anita mui,those ppl that are remembered by ppl.ppl will start to rem what u had done in ur film after u die..

best soundtrack- think dun have, onli the actor and actresser know which are their fav songs….

There is no negative lah, cos only director(fate) can have the film, u the actor and actresser cannot have lah!!! only can have some movies poster( photos of life) let u all view lor..kekeke

Cherish your life, cause once its end…you never know if there is any rebirth.

The room and the candle

"just like a dark room, suddenly someone walk in and light up a candle…it brighten the room, these 9 months is like a candle, when it melt, the room become silence and dark again."

now i can be sure that the same person will not come in and light up the candle again……because the room does not give her comfort again, the room that fills with happiness and laughter was buried by lies and hates now…the room also does not want the same person to come in again………because it brings hurt and lies into the room….who wants to be in the room of hates and lies?

that person will walk into another room, that she can find happiness and laughter again……..and the room is waiting for the next fate person to come in and light up the room again, hopefully it will not be a candle this time, because it will melt,it will become darkness again………hope is a bulb.

the room sometimes will miss that person with the candle, because she once brighten the room with joy,laughter, happiness…..as the candle burns…….times goes by……the room get darker and darker………

will the person with the candle think of that room? maybe not…..

extracted from my inner most thoughts…… cm’s heart

time

i will wait for u pass by me fast, let u heal me
let u cool my wound, let the scar fade abit
let u bring the loneliness out of me
let u bring other memories to me
as u pass by, my casio g shock also move
seconds,minutes, hours, days slowly pass me by
u will not stop at the moment for me and her
u does not belong to me alone
i must not be selfish,i must not stop u
u belong to the world, we share u, time.

extracted from my brain…..cm’s brain

Love

Love is a feeling, a way to express out your innermost care.
Love is a joy for two, to be together no matter sadness or happiness.
Love is a must for spiritual growth.
Love makes you real; otherwise you remain just a fantasy, a dream with no substance in it..
Love gives you substance,integrity.
Don/t avoid love.go through it,with all its pain.
yes its hurts..but if you are in love it does not matter.
in fact,all those hurts strengthen you.
sometimes it really hurts badly,terribly, but all those wound are necessary to provoke, to challenge you.

Love is not a passion,
Love is not an emotion,
Love is a very deep understanding that somebody somehow completes you.
The presence of the other enchances your presence
the feeling is strong, just that pure presence, nothing else, is enough to make you happy…you are in love

Sex is not love,
sex is just a exercise between two body,
so never think sex as love,
otherwise you will be deceived.

The feeling of being love…the care, the way of being possess by someone, the hug, the kiss by someone you love is totally undescriable…..it can only be feel…….where is the love?

By CM Yeo (real name)
nicks: MuYi(irc name),jerson(web name),nirut(pen name).
My Home page
My blog
25/04/2004 first edit
08/08/2004 second edit

few months ago,after my break up, listen to ufm100.3fm …….a DJ mention about things about cross roads and straight roads……..is about a human path of life

……when he is alone……he had travel in that straight road…many things happen…a she also did the same, travel her own straight road……..when he and she reach a crossroad…he meet her…..she also meet him lor…both fall in love…then both of them continue the straight road together……when both knew that their destination is not the same…….they split up their straight road and continue look for another cross road……..

my way of thinking some people just had that once cross road………like my friend, brother gerard, he met his wife at the age of 26, his first gf…..and he got married with her….2 years already, they are still so lovely….envy them…….and they reached their destination….along this road……they will build some baby seats at the back of the car…… some people had many cross roads (relationships)………some just travel together for a few hundred metres ( few weeks ), they split roads already…….the worst is some travel together for a few hundred kilometres ( few years ), in the end found that both dun really wana go to the same place…….there is quarrel, arguement during the journey……when both decided that the destination is not the same…..spilt road again……

some people had always travel in their own straight road, wanted to find a cross road, but they could not find……even they use maps ( introduce gf/bf by friends )……..hope one day this kind of people will find a cross road….. about split road…..this kind of road very sad one……when you go into split roads….sadness and loneliness come in……because all the while…you have someone that travel with u….out of sudden…..you are alone travel……you will think of that straight road that you share with he or her……

spilt road is very dangerous…….some sudden being force to go spilt road…they will cannot think properly….then they will get into accident (commit suicide) lor…..

As for me, i just got into split road……have been travel in this road for nearly 5 mths..lucky i never got into accident,cos i tell myself, i have to find another cross road and reach my destination on time…sometimes will think of that straight long road with her (9 mths)…….sometimes alone travel in my straight road now is very sian…..will think of when and how many kilometres later will i find another crossroad? sometimes you think that one in front of you is a cross road, but it is not…… sometimes alone travel in my split road…..listen to some songs along the way….some old songs will remind me of that straight long road that i had share with her…….

this a expressway….there is no u- turn already…..if there is really a u-turn? will she hop in the car again? tell myself dun be a fool again!!!!!! expressway cannot stop car anyhow one!!!! unless u tio accident or car spoilt …….even if tio…..wun hop in one lah……because the destination we wanted to travel is not the same……people wana go tuas……i go woodland…..different check point……

some tired of all those roads, may go into uneven roads(gay or les)

summary of article dun ever rush into a crossroad, choose your crossroad carefully…cos no one want to travel in split road…

successful crossroad - not successful crossroad - :~~(

By CM Yeo (real name) nicks:jerson(web name),nirut(pen name).

(first edit 24 march 2004) (second edit 8 august 2004)